THE CHANGES IN ME (ACADEMICS)

 hello everyone...
hope all of you are doing well and good...actually right now im very packed stressing about my 12th boards (which isn't really resulting in studying hard)...anyways this week was really tough for me...especially the last 3 days and midst that i realized certain changes that has occured in me over many years as a student...so today's topic is "the change in me"

until 7th i was a really bright and competitive student...if anyone ever fought with me or questioned my capabilities I always made sure I scored more than that student... I never wasted my time talking back or degrading them either...all I did was study really hard and bring better marks than him/her...it gave me the feeling that they had lost and I felt that I had done something actually useful rather than wasting my time fighting with the student verbally...

things changed after lockdown and I did realise it but I don't know why I did not care...during lockdown I did sometimes think that "I am not studying like before" "I will fall back if I dont catch up to my studies now" but I never ACTUALLY made a step to work on it...that was my first terrible mistake and I had not shared this with my family or my friends so that they could help...by half of 7th or almost by the end our school had reopened... I no longer felt the urge to compete with other well studying students of my class or with students who hated me or discriminated me because I was a south indian with an accent and weird short hair... I just did not care about who did what...if they fought with me I prefered yelling and fighting back... I would say 9th and 10th was my WORST academic year... I was a depressed kid in 9th who would come to school with zero hours of sleep at night and a flask filled with coffee no milk and no sugar... I slept through math lecture... I did not realise when i went from the first bench student to the last bench student...my marks were the highest in science and now it was almost the lowest (math was the worst for me)...

I realised I crossed all the limits academically and believed can no longer be the "topper" anymore when for the first time in pre boards of 10th our results were announced in class and a girl was crying cuz she scored 76 out of 80 and once she used to be the student who was really poor academically and people were discussing where they had made mistakes and i was just sitting looking at my paper where i had failed by 2 marks in maths and just passed in science...i did not care...i did not give a flying fuck that i had failed...i felt extremely guilty inside about why i am not crying...then i went to the girl who was crying and i said "hey it's okay!! you scored really well and next time you will do better" with a full genuine smile...if it were the old me the first thing is i would never have scored this less and even if i did i would already be studying for the next exam to score more than those who got ahead of me...the thought did cross my mind and i still did not care...from that i came down to having to attend extra lectures of maths and science...old me would rather die...

Later on it did not matter if people bad mouthed me or if they fought with me and bought more marks than me..i did not have the fire to compete because i was like "i'm not getting anything from this anyway"

Then only since a past few years i started realising what a huge change i went through...what a huge mistake i had done...how i went from the topper to the student who attended extra classes and slept through math lectures...but still it was mentally so tough and exhausting for me to work hard again..i spent nights crying cuz i could not sit for even 15 minutes properly...attending counselling i've found it in myself to slowly come back to who i used to be...Now again after years i was again the topper of my class and watching students study in 12th more than me wakes up the competitive side of me making me think that no matter what there is no way i am letting my position go to someone else...three days was spent stressing and crying about others studying better than me but after that it was about "stop crying...get up, grab your book and study"...so i believe..if you were like this too and feel you have lost your spark and nothing can bring you back...you are wrong..you have it in you to wake that side of yourself again and fight with others that would actually benefit you...it is never too late...this is the time to stop crying over what has happened and take action and start working on what could happen 

thank you  <3

17/06/2026